A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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