I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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