I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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