Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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