I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
