You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
