guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
