he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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