Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
