thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
