can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
FUCK WHALES
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