you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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