Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
