You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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