So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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