I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
