i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
