??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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