My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I intend to get homeless drunk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
