Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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