she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
