I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
