my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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