I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
