I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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