Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
