You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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