I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
