Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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