just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
