I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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