guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
