the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You were trust falling into bushes
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
