Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
