another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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