you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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