he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When are your genitals available?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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