Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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