omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
