i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
