I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
