my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
