um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
