My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
