she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
