you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
