i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
