She is in my trunk
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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