Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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