I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
why is half of my head shaved?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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